So, this blog is becoming more about just my weightloss journey. I've already talked about my struggle with anxiety and depression due to undiagnosed hypothyroidism (and I'm happy to report that the symptoms have nearly disappeared and I'm doing much better), but now I have another problem that has been going on for almost a decade: infertility.
I had hoped that the hypothyroidism was the cause. Even though all blood work in the past showed me within the normal range, I discovered through research that each person is unique and that the normal range doesn't apply to everyone, so it's safe to assume that I've been hypo for quite some time. Now that I'm on treatment and the symptoms are alleviated, I was really hoping that it was finally time, that James and I could be successful in our attempts at conception. Unfortunately, that is not yet the case.
I'm mainly writing this because I really hate the way I've been feeling lately. Pregnancy and childbirth was a passion of mine for a long time, as anyone who knows me can confirm. I've mapped out my plan for years, down to the finest of birth plan details. Lately, though, I've just been bitter and angry. I've seen three pregnancy announcements on Facebook this week and each one made me progressively more angry until last night, when I saw the third one and had an emotional breakdown. James was there to witness the whole thing, ugly crying and all. I HATE THIS FEELING! I don't want to be upset every time someone announces a pregnancy or birth! I want to CELEBRATE because I think it's such an important life event! I'm just finding it harder and harder to do that.
One of my top fears in life is that I will go through it never having known the joy of motherhood. I know that adoption is a honorable and viable option, but I'm still on the fence about it. I want a child that is genetically OURS. I want the experience of carrying it to term and the pain of childbirth. I want to breastfeed! I want all the stuff that goes along with being a mother, the good AND the bad! It makes me feel like a failure as a woman even though I know that my worth is not tied into whether or not I can have children, but it's the one thing that the majority of women can do with relative ease...and I just can't. And I don't know WHY. I'm at the point where I can't even imagine it actually happening. It just feels like one of those crazy impossible day dreams, I think I'm losing hope...
Monday, March 14, 2016
Sunday, November 22, 2015
Rediscovery
This blog so far has served as a public documentation of my weight loss journey, which started out so promising with lots of progress before our move cross-country. The last three years have been a struggle for me, and likely for James, also. When we got to San Diego, as excited as I was to be there, something was changing within me. I became withdrawn and unmotivated. The 80+ pounds that I had worked so hard to lose began to reverse and I started to gain. By the end of our stint in SoCal I had gained over 50 lbs. I was depressed, moody, angry with myself, and my confidence was in tatters. Just before James deployed in 2013 I had my first anxiety attack. It was vicious and scary. My attacks manifested mainly in overwhelming nausea, uncontrollable shaking, fast, pounding heart rate, and crippling fear. They were seemingly random and I became almost agoraphobic, too scared to leave the house for fear of one hitting while I was in public. Eventually, I spoke with my doctor about it and was given a weak prescription for Lorazepam to help with the anxiety, but they didn't help. Later, I went to see a new ob/gyn who ran some standard blood work during my first visit. It was then that I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. My levels were only just outside of the "normal" range, so my doctor put me on a low therapeutic dose of synthroid and that was that.
I waited to feel better...but I never did.
Our time in San Diego came to an end and we came to Whidbey Island. Just being on the island was enough to begin lifting my spirits. The majesty and beauty of the Pacific Northwest invigorated me. Some of my motivation returned and I started hiking. Being a former anti-hiker (hated it) this was surprising for both James and I. I loved being here in the small, sleepy town of Oak Harbor, but that initial high didn't last long. After a couple of months I started to get depressed again. After almost 6 months without a true anxiety attack, I was hit with one on the way to take my sister to the Seattle airport so she could fly home. Luckily, we made it to the airport on time, even after I made James pull over because my vision was starting to tunnel and I thought I was passing out. I decided that day that I couldn't live like this anymore and made an appointment to see a counselor at Fleet and Family.
At the same time I was having some other unrelated medical issues and had made an appointment with my new doctor in Oak Harbor. She is a very no nonsense military doctor who was dead set on weaning me off of the therapeutic dose of synthroid that my previous doctor had put me on. She ran more blood work. I didn't get the results for two weeks.
In those two weeks I finally met with a psychologist named Lori. My first meeting with her was emotional for me. I felt relief at having someone to talk to who would be able to give me tools to combat the symptoms of my anxiety. I was close to tears the entire hour and cried all the way home. Talking with her made me realize just how badly depressed I was. I had no idea how much self-hate I had or that I talked to myself so negatively. I started working that day on turning things around, but I felt like I was fighting an uphill battle. It was easier to just berate myself for my failings and shortcomings that to focus on the positives.
And then my blood work came back. My doctor called me in and told me that they were DOUBLING my meds because my thyroid function had gotten worse. Knowing that thyroid hormones have such a big role in mood regulation, I felt a huge sense of relief at this news. The totally random anxiety attacks, the self-hate and pessimism...None of that is me. I've always been an optimist with a cool, calm, and collected head. I never even knew what stress felt like until we were packing up our belongings to move thousands of miles away from home. This diagnosis, while also a little unsettling, was music to my ears.
I started the new dosage that day. After a week I started to feel a little more positive. By the end of 5 weeks I was on cloud nine. No more anxiety, no more depression. It felt like a switch had been flipped in my brain. I was back.
In the three years before the diagnosis and treatment, James and I had shifted out of sync. We fought more often that we used to, I was more more prone to anger and annoyance and too down on myself to ever attractive. It was rough. These last two weeks, however, we shifted back. It was an almost tangible moment. We reconnected in a way that we've been missing for years...and it terrified me because I was so scared that I would lose it again. That the thyroid meds would fail to do their job and I would slip back into that other Raina...the one I hated. So far, though, that hasn't happened. On top of all of this, I have gained back my motivation for losing weight. Since early October I have lost 15 pounds! Well on my way back to where I was three years ago, and hopefully going beyond!
I want to take some time to thank the people in my life who supported and loved me through one of the toughest times in my life.
Taylor, your friendship means so much. You always know just the right thing to say to make me feel better about myself. You make me feel like a superstar! I'm sorry that your 21st birthday celebration, while already overshadowed by John's absence, was cut short by my anxiety. You were so cool about it, though, and concerned. Signs of a true friend. :) Just having you in my life made things better, and when you were gone it was the hardest. I love you and miss you every day.
Shaylin, I know you were likely unaware of all of this crap going on in my life, but when the attack on the way to the airport hit I'm glad you were there. Your love and concern, despite the stress of possibly missing your plane, helped me calm down. You're the best sister that anyone could ever ask for and I love the hell out of you!
Mom, you have been the voice of reason through these last three years. The one who kept telling me that something was wrong, that the depression and anxiety wasn't me. Having an outsider look in was a perspective that I needed and it gave me hope. I'm glad I listened! You weren't just concerned for me, but for James, too. I know how important our relationship is to you and that makes me happy beyond words. You are my shiny beacon of logic and love and I will always come to you first for advice, just like I always have. :)
Last and absolutely not least... James. My freaking knight in shining armour. Any other guy would likely have given up on me a long time ago, but you never did. I still harbor a lot of guilt for the way I treated you throughout all of this, but you've never held it over my head. You supported me, tried to help when you felt you could, and, most of all, loved me unconditionally. You are my favorite person and my life would be dark without you in it. I love you a shitload.
I waited to feel better...but I never did.
Our time in San Diego came to an end and we came to Whidbey Island. Just being on the island was enough to begin lifting my spirits. The majesty and beauty of the Pacific Northwest invigorated me. Some of my motivation returned and I started hiking. Being a former anti-hiker (hated it) this was surprising for both James and I. I loved being here in the small, sleepy town of Oak Harbor, but that initial high didn't last long. After a couple of months I started to get depressed again. After almost 6 months without a true anxiety attack, I was hit with one on the way to take my sister to the Seattle airport so she could fly home. Luckily, we made it to the airport on time, even after I made James pull over because my vision was starting to tunnel and I thought I was passing out. I decided that day that I couldn't live like this anymore and made an appointment to see a counselor at Fleet and Family.
At the same time I was having some other unrelated medical issues and had made an appointment with my new doctor in Oak Harbor. She is a very no nonsense military doctor who was dead set on weaning me off of the therapeutic dose of synthroid that my previous doctor had put me on. She ran more blood work. I didn't get the results for two weeks.
In those two weeks I finally met with a psychologist named Lori. My first meeting with her was emotional for me. I felt relief at having someone to talk to who would be able to give me tools to combat the symptoms of my anxiety. I was close to tears the entire hour and cried all the way home. Talking with her made me realize just how badly depressed I was. I had no idea how much self-hate I had or that I talked to myself so negatively. I started working that day on turning things around, but I felt like I was fighting an uphill battle. It was easier to just berate myself for my failings and shortcomings that to focus on the positives.
And then my blood work came back. My doctor called me in and told me that they were DOUBLING my meds because my thyroid function had gotten worse. Knowing that thyroid hormones have such a big role in mood regulation, I felt a huge sense of relief at this news. The totally random anxiety attacks, the self-hate and pessimism...None of that is me. I've always been an optimist with a cool, calm, and collected head. I never even knew what stress felt like until we were packing up our belongings to move thousands of miles away from home. This diagnosis, while also a little unsettling, was music to my ears.
I started the new dosage that day. After a week I started to feel a little more positive. By the end of 5 weeks I was on cloud nine. No more anxiety, no more depression. It felt like a switch had been flipped in my brain. I was back.
In the three years before the diagnosis and treatment, James and I had shifted out of sync. We fought more often that we used to, I was more more prone to anger and annoyance and too down on myself to ever attractive. It was rough. These last two weeks, however, we shifted back. It was an almost tangible moment. We reconnected in a way that we've been missing for years...and it terrified me because I was so scared that I would lose it again. That the thyroid meds would fail to do their job and I would slip back into that other Raina...the one I hated. So far, though, that hasn't happened. On top of all of this, I have gained back my motivation for losing weight. Since early October I have lost 15 pounds! Well on my way back to where I was three years ago, and hopefully going beyond!
I want to take some time to thank the people in my life who supported and loved me through one of the toughest times in my life.
Taylor, your friendship means so much. You always know just the right thing to say to make me feel better about myself. You make me feel like a superstar! I'm sorry that your 21st birthday celebration, while already overshadowed by John's absence, was cut short by my anxiety. You were so cool about it, though, and concerned. Signs of a true friend. :) Just having you in my life made things better, and when you were gone it was the hardest. I love you and miss you every day.
Shaylin, I know you were likely unaware of all of this crap going on in my life, but when the attack on the way to the airport hit I'm glad you were there. Your love and concern, despite the stress of possibly missing your plane, helped me calm down. You're the best sister that anyone could ever ask for and I love the hell out of you!
Mom, you have been the voice of reason through these last three years. The one who kept telling me that something was wrong, that the depression and anxiety wasn't me. Having an outsider look in was a perspective that I needed and it gave me hope. I'm glad I listened! You weren't just concerned for me, but for James, too. I know how important our relationship is to you and that makes me happy beyond words. You are my shiny beacon of logic and love and I will always come to you first for advice, just like I always have. :)
Last and absolutely not least... James. My freaking knight in shining armour. Any other guy would likely have given up on me a long time ago, but you never did. I still harbor a lot of guilt for the way I treated you throughout all of this, but you've never held it over my head. You supported me, tried to help when you felt you could, and, most of all, loved me unconditionally. You are my favorite person and my life would be dark without you in it. I love you a shitload.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Funky
I've been living in sunny San Diego for almost eight months now. I felt like I would be so much farther along with my weight loss than I am. I mean, I live in SAN DIEGO. What ISN'T there to do here?! So many things to see and do, mostly outdoors, and mostly requiring physical activity of some sort. So how have I gotten so far away from my goal?
The last eight months have been a total roller coaster ride. I've had several ups, but so so many downs. I felt depression like I never have before, and it took it's toll in the form of a major weight gain. I am not happy to report that I have gained well over 20 lbs since our arrival here. However, I now have a better appreciation and understanding for those battling depression. If it can turn someone as cheery and bright as I am into a person who'd rather stay home away from people, eat junk food, and cry all day, then it is definitely serious for those who have a much darker outlook on life.
I am happy to report that I think I've finally pulled myself out of my "funk" and am starting to feel more like my old cheerful self again. My trip home to Greenville was exactly what I needed, apparently. I needed to see old friends and remind myself of who I really am and that my friends will always be there, even if they're on the other side of the country. :)
As of yesterday, I finished Couch to 5K week two in preparation for the Neon Run in April (Info: http://www.theneonrun.com/locations/san-diego) Week two was six intervals, each consisting of 90 seconds of running and two minutes of walking. Next week begins 90 seconds of running, two minutes of walking, three minutes of running, three minutes of walking, repeated twice. I'm a little nervous about running for a full three minutes, but I know I can DO it, it's just gonna huuuuuurt.
My eating habits are still not the best. There is some SERIOUSLY good food out here (In-N-Out, authentic Asian and Mexican cuisine...) but I try to keep track of myself on Weight Watchers. It's an ongoing battle, but I know I'll get there.
Thanks to ALL of you for your continued support and patience!! :)
The last eight months have been a total roller coaster ride. I've had several ups, but so so many downs. I felt depression like I never have before, and it took it's toll in the form of a major weight gain. I am not happy to report that I have gained well over 20 lbs since our arrival here. However, I now have a better appreciation and understanding for those battling depression. If it can turn someone as cheery and bright as I am into a person who'd rather stay home away from people, eat junk food, and cry all day, then it is definitely serious for those who have a much darker outlook on life.
I am happy to report that I think I've finally pulled myself out of my "funk" and am starting to feel more like my old cheerful self again. My trip home to Greenville was exactly what I needed, apparently. I needed to see old friends and remind myself of who I really am and that my friends will always be there, even if they're on the other side of the country. :)
As of yesterday, I finished Couch to 5K week two in preparation for the Neon Run in April (Info: http://www.theneonrun.com/locations/san-diego) Week two was six intervals, each consisting of 90 seconds of running and two minutes of walking. Next week begins 90 seconds of running, two minutes of walking, three minutes of running, three minutes of walking, repeated twice. I'm a little nervous about running for a full three minutes, but I know I can DO it, it's just gonna huuuuuurt.
My eating habits are still not the best. There is some SERIOUSLY good food out here (In-N-Out, authentic Asian and Mexican cuisine...) but I try to keep track of myself on Weight Watchers. It's an ongoing battle, but I know I'll get there.
Thanks to ALL of you for your continued support and patience!! :)
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Wedding bells...again?
In my never-ending quest for a good source of motivation I was struck with a very brilliant idea: I have decided that James and I will have a vow renewal when I reach my goal weight! My reasoning being that when I DO reach my goal, we'll be like two completely different people, so why not have another wedding? Of course, I wouldn't go all out like we did for our ACTUAL wedding. Mainly, I want a wedding dress. And I want people to SEE me in my wedding dress! The dress that I wore in our wedding was ordered online. I never went dress shopping because I was a little too plus-sized for my own comfort. Don't get me wrong, I LOVED my wedding AND my dress, but looking back on pictures from that I day I can't help but see how BIG I was. I want to change that. To be able to compare two "wedding" photos side by side and, instead of being ashamed of how big I had gotten, see how far I've come.
So, I've been looking at dresses for the past couple of days, just to see what's out there. This dress is currently my favorite and has become my laptop background. :)
And, yes, you will all get invites. :)
So, I've been looking at dresses for the past couple of days, just to see what's out there. This dress is currently my favorite and has become my laptop background. :)
And, yes, you will all get invites. :)
Friday, August 24, 2012
After a brief hiatus, I have returned!
The move to San Diego was just as stressful as I anticipated, if not more so. The drive across country was fraught with gigantic and slow moving trucks, blown tires, miles of endless nothing, and the military red tape that goes along with a PPM (personally procured move). I was prepared for the stress. I was even prepared for the homesickness that struck in the middle of a grocery shopping trip, having me saucer-eyed and near tears in the middle of the commissary. What I was NOT prepared for was the complete drop off of any motivation I had to get healthy.
I came out here with a plan. Knowing that I wouldn't have a job, I decided that I would make working out and eating right my job. The trip across the country started me off on the wrong foot. Sitting on your ass in a truck for 12 hours every day for four days, eating at every kind of fast food restaurant, is a definite hindrance to ones dieting goals. Moving into the house and dealing with the 24 foot long truck and tow trailer was exhausting. Unpacking all of our junk and setting up a new home seemed to take forever. I didn't think we'd ever NOT live out of boxes. By the time our house finally felt like a home, I was so far off track that I couldn't even figure out how to get back.
Three days ago a friend of mine posted a new picture on her Facebook page. The picture shows two women, one overweight and one thin, standing back to back, both wearing a black sports bra and shorts. The quote over the picture said, "It took more than a day to gain it. It'll take more than a day to lose it. Don't give up!" Most of these inspirational pictures do nothing for me, but THAT picture hit me hard. I could finally see my way back. I started searching for inspirational weight loss quotes online and posted them all over the house on sticky notes, specifically on the fridge, pantry door, and on all the mirrors. I jumped back onto the Weight Watchers website and began logging my food and keeping within my points. I made myself get up earlier and go to the gym. I bought a white board to keep up a to do list so that I could better organize my life to make sure I always have time for working out. I started planning my meals a day in advance. I'm slowly starting to remember what it feels like to be a healthier person living a healthier lifestyle. I'm hoping that I can hold on to that feeling long enough to see me through to my goals.
When we got to San Diego I weighed in at 222, the smallest I've been since I can remember. Three days ago I was back up to 229.6, that's a gain of nearly 8 pounds! This morning the scale read 228.4, down over a pound, which shows that I'm back on track! I just hope I can keep it up long enough to make it a habit. :)
I came out here with a plan. Knowing that I wouldn't have a job, I decided that I would make working out and eating right my job. The trip across the country started me off on the wrong foot. Sitting on your ass in a truck for 12 hours every day for four days, eating at every kind of fast food restaurant, is a definite hindrance to ones dieting goals. Moving into the house and dealing with the 24 foot long truck and tow trailer was exhausting. Unpacking all of our junk and setting up a new home seemed to take forever. I didn't think we'd ever NOT live out of boxes. By the time our house finally felt like a home, I was so far off track that I couldn't even figure out how to get back.
Three days ago a friend of mine posted a new picture on her Facebook page. The picture shows two women, one overweight and one thin, standing back to back, both wearing a black sports bra and shorts. The quote over the picture said, "It took more than a day to gain it. It'll take more than a day to lose it. Don't give up!" Most of these inspirational pictures do nothing for me, but THAT picture hit me hard. I could finally see my way back. I started searching for inspirational weight loss quotes online and posted them all over the house on sticky notes, specifically on the fridge, pantry door, and on all the mirrors. I jumped back onto the Weight Watchers website and began logging my food and keeping within my points. I made myself get up earlier and go to the gym. I bought a white board to keep up a to do list so that I could better organize my life to make sure I always have time for working out. I started planning my meals a day in advance. I'm slowly starting to remember what it feels like to be a healthier person living a healthier lifestyle. I'm hoping that I can hold on to that feeling long enough to see me through to my goals.
When we got to San Diego I weighed in at 222, the smallest I've been since I can remember. Three days ago I was back up to 229.6, that's a gain of nearly 8 pounds! This morning the scale read 228.4, down over a pound, which shows that I'm back on track! I just hope I can keep it up long enough to make it a habit. :)
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Pictorial Update
I realized it's been a while since I posted progress pics... So, here they are!! From beginning until now.
It's nice to SEE the progress. :) What a difference 10 lbs can make! :)
It's nice to SEE the progress. :) What a difference 10 lbs can make! :)
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
FINALLY! Something that WORKS!!
Yesterday was my second Weight Watchers meeting and weigh in and I found out that I'm down a total of 6.4 pounds in two weeks!! I can't brag enough about the program. It's helping me to make sense of what I eat and what's healthy. It's like counting calories, but better. Every day I have to keep track of my "healthy checks": getting in 5 servings of fruits and vegetables, 2 servings of healthy oils, 8 cups of water, exercise, etc. I've started eating so many more fresh fruits and vegetables because they have a points value of 0. Knowing the points vaules of foods helps me to make the healthier decision.
I'm really proud of myself this week. :) I think I can definitely stick with this program long term.
I'm really proud of myself this week. :) I think I can definitely stick with this program long term.
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