So, this blog is becoming more about just my weightloss journey. I've already talked about my struggle with anxiety and depression due to undiagnosed hypothyroidism (and I'm happy to report that the symptoms have nearly disappeared and I'm doing much better), but now I have another problem that has been going on for almost a decade: infertility.
I had hoped that the hypothyroidism was the cause. Even though all blood work in the past showed me within the normal range, I discovered through research that each person is unique and that the normal range doesn't apply to everyone, so it's safe to assume that I've been hypo for quite some time. Now that I'm on treatment and the symptoms are alleviated, I was really hoping that it was finally time, that James and I could be successful in our attempts at conception. Unfortunately, that is not yet the case.
I'm mainly writing this because I really hate the way I've been feeling lately. Pregnancy and childbirth was a passion of mine for a long time, as anyone who knows me can confirm. I've mapped out my plan for years, down to the finest of birth plan details. Lately, though, I've just been bitter and angry. I've seen three pregnancy announcements on Facebook this week and each one made me progressively more angry until last night, when I saw the third one and had an emotional breakdown. James was there to witness the whole thing, ugly crying and all. I HATE THIS FEELING! I don't want to be upset every time someone announces a pregnancy or birth! I want to CELEBRATE because I think it's such an important life event! I'm just finding it harder and harder to do that.
One of my top fears in life is that I will go through it never having known the joy of motherhood. I know that adoption is a honorable and viable option, but I'm still on the fence about it. I want a child that is genetically OURS. I want the experience of carrying it to term and the pain of childbirth. I want to breastfeed! I want all the stuff that goes along with being a mother, the good AND the bad! It makes me feel like a failure as a woman even though I know that my worth is not tied into whether or not I can have children, but it's the one thing that the majority of women can do with relative ease...and I just can't. And I don't know WHY. I'm at the point where I can't even imagine it actually happening. It just feels like one of those crazy impossible day dreams, I think I'm losing hope...
