This blog so far has served as a public documentation of my weight loss journey, which started out so promising with lots of progress before our move cross-country. The last three years have been a struggle for me, and likely for James, also. When we got to San Diego, as excited as I was to be there, something was changing within me. I became withdrawn and unmotivated. The 80+ pounds that I had worked so hard to lose began to reverse and I started to gain. By the end of our stint in SoCal I had gained over 50 lbs. I was depressed, moody, angry with myself, and my confidence was in tatters. Just before James deployed in 2013 I had my first anxiety attack. It was vicious and scary. My attacks manifested mainly in overwhelming nausea, uncontrollable shaking, fast, pounding heart rate, and crippling fear. They were seemingly random and I became almost agoraphobic, too scared to leave the house for fear of one hitting while I was in public. Eventually, I spoke with my doctor about it and was given a weak prescription for Lorazepam to help with the anxiety, but they didn't help. Later, I went to see a new ob/gyn who ran some standard blood work during my first visit. It was then that I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. My levels were only just outside of the "normal" range, so my doctor put me on a low therapeutic dose of synthroid and that was that.
I waited to feel better...but I never did.
Our time in San Diego came to an end and we came to Whidbey Island. Just being on the island was enough to begin lifting my spirits. The majesty and beauty of the Pacific Northwest invigorated me. Some of my motivation returned and I started hiking. Being a former anti-hiker (hated it) this was surprising for both James and I. I loved being here in the small, sleepy town of Oak Harbor, but that initial high didn't last long. After a couple of months I started to get depressed again. After almost 6 months without a true anxiety attack, I was hit with one on the way to take my sister to the Seattle airport so she could fly home. Luckily, we made it to the airport on time, even after I made James pull over because my vision was starting to tunnel and I thought I was passing out. I decided that day that I couldn't live like this anymore and made an appointment to see a counselor at Fleet and Family.
At the same time I was having some other unrelated medical issues and had made an appointment with my new doctor in Oak Harbor. She is a very no nonsense military doctor who was dead set on weaning me off of the therapeutic dose of synthroid that my previous doctor had put me on. She ran more blood work. I didn't get the results for two weeks.
In those two weeks I finally met with a psychologist named Lori. My first meeting with her was emotional for me. I felt relief at having someone to talk to who would be able to give me tools to combat the symptoms of my anxiety. I was close to tears the entire hour and cried all the way home. Talking with her made me realize just how badly depressed I was. I had no idea how much self-hate I had or that I talked to myself so negatively. I started working that day on turning things around, but I felt like I was fighting an uphill battle. It was easier to just berate myself for my failings and shortcomings that to focus on the positives.
And then my blood work came back. My doctor called me in and told me that they were DOUBLING my meds because my thyroid function had gotten worse. Knowing that thyroid hormones have such a big role in mood regulation, I felt a huge sense of relief at this news. The totally random anxiety attacks, the self-hate and pessimism...None of that is me. I've always been an optimist with a cool, calm, and collected head. I never even knew what stress felt like until we were packing up our belongings to move thousands of miles away from home. This diagnosis, while also a little unsettling, was music to my ears.
I started the new dosage that day. After a week I started to feel a little more positive. By the end of 5 weeks I was on cloud nine. No more anxiety, no more depression. It felt like a switch had been flipped in my brain. I was back.
In the three years before the diagnosis and treatment, James and I had shifted out of sync. We fought more often that we used to, I was more more prone to anger and annoyance and too down on myself to ever attractive. It was rough. These last two weeks, however, we shifted back. It was an almost tangible moment. We reconnected in a way that we've been missing for years...and it terrified me because I was so scared that I would lose it again. That the thyroid meds would fail to do their job and I would slip back into that other Raina...the one I hated. So far, though, that hasn't happened. On top of all of this, I have gained back my motivation for losing weight. Since early October I have lost 15 pounds! Well on my way back to where I was three years ago, and hopefully going beyond!
I want to take some time to thank the people in my life who supported and loved me through one of the toughest times in my life.
Taylor, your friendship means so much. You always know just the right thing to say to make me feel better about myself. You make me feel like a superstar! I'm sorry that your 21st birthday celebration, while already overshadowed by John's absence, was cut short by my anxiety. You were so cool about it, though, and concerned. Signs of a true friend. :) Just having you in my life made things better, and when you were gone it was the hardest. I love you and miss you every day.
Shaylin, I know you were likely unaware of all of this crap going on in my life, but when the attack on the way to the airport hit I'm glad you were there. Your love and concern, despite the stress of possibly missing your plane, helped me calm down. You're the best sister that anyone could ever ask for and I love the hell out of you!
Mom, you have been the voice of reason through these last three years. The one who kept telling me that something was wrong, that the depression and anxiety wasn't me. Having an outsider look in was a perspective that I needed and it gave me hope. I'm glad I listened! You weren't just concerned for me, but for James, too. I know how important our relationship is to you and that makes me happy beyond words. You are my shiny beacon of logic and love and I will always come to you first for advice, just like I always have. :)
Last and absolutely not least... James. My freaking knight in shining armour. Any other guy would likely have given up on me a long time ago, but you never did. I still harbor a lot of guilt for the way I treated you throughout all of this, but you've never held it over my head. You supported me, tried to help when you felt you could, and, most of all, loved me unconditionally. You are my favorite person and my life would be dark without you in it. I love you a shitload.
